Writing publicly during a time of physical and emotional upheaval is a fine line to walk. On the one hand, you want to be real and vulnerable and let people see your struggles and your growth. On the other hand….you don’t want to be real or vulnerable or let people see your struggles and your growth. And, as a cherry on top, you have to consider how your thoughts and experiences affect those closest to you, who are also in upheaval, and be sensitive to them.
So, I’ve gone silent on here for the last few weeks. Which is kind of a shame because it’s been a significant time in my life, and I personally most love reading people’s real time thoughts on their real lives. Not just the carefully filtered, “I’ve-learned-the-moral-of-the-story” kind of thoughts. But the, “This is what’s happening right now and how it’s affecting me and I don’t have it all wrapped up in a bow yet” kind of thoughts. I prefer to write when I have a clear purpose and a desirable plan of action for people to be inspired to follow. But, since I’ve discovered that those aren’t my favorite things to read, why do I think they’ll be my favorite things to write? I’d rather just say, “This is how I feel right now about this,” and risk that many will read it know the moral of the story that I haven’t seen yet. Because, that’s the root of it for me. I want to know the lesson to be learned before someone has to point it out to me. When I share about my struggles, I want to be able to summarize what I’ve learned from it and how it is going to work out for the best and to appear strong and smart before anyone has the chance to think otherwise. That’s my pride. Always rearing its ugly head.
So, I write. I write for mostly selfish reasons. To document my life and learning. To process and distill my experiences. But also, I hope, for someone else’s benefit. That maybe one person will relate to my thoughts and feel less alone. That maybe someone will be inspired or encouraged. And ultimately, I write to give God glory, not myself. So, if my pride takes a hit now and then, and someone hears God’s voice, I will have considered this time well spent.