“Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the wilderness those forty years, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your ancestors had known to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.” (Deut. 8:2-3)
I think about blogging every day. But as you can see from the date of my last post, and the date before that, the blogging isn’t actually happening every day. But not because I’m not writing. My journal and writing notebook and random pieces of paper around the house are full of my ramblings and thoughts and processing. Even my What’s App conversation threads are evidence of my attempt to figure out my life. It’s just that I can’t seem to pull together anything cohesive that seems worthy of a reader’s time. And yet, for some strange reason, my heart aches to lay itself bare. So, I’ll leave it to you to determine if this is worthy of your time, but this is where I’m at.
The preacher at our church spoke on Deuteronomy 8 this week. And though I hope my current situation won’t last 40 years, (Lord, have mercy…) I have to say that everything else about this passage perfectly sums up what I’m experiencing right now.
*Humbled: “I am a flower quickly fading, a wave tossed in the ocean, a vapor in the wind.” I’m grasping a sense of my smallness in this big, beautiful world, and also my very limited understanding. Also, I thought I knew stuff and I thought I could control things. Mm hm.
*Tested: I’ve faced spiritual, emotional, mental, and relational challenges before, but this is the big leagues. At least it feels like it. It’s probably still the minors and I’ll chuckle to myself in a few years.
*Exposing my heart: Do I really trust God, the way I thought I did?
*Hungry: Hungry for my family and friends. Hungry for some idea of my future. Hungry for direction. Hungry for clarity on so many things.
Manna: The word manna, in Hebrew meant, “What is it?,” because the Israelites literally had no idea what it was. God has satisfied my hunger in ways I didn’t expect. But, with a life that is unrecognizable to me.
The Word of the Lord: More than ever, this is my daily bread. Not because I wasn’t reading it before. But because, in a rich and plentiful land, the promises of God were the cherry on top. But in the wilderness, the promises of God are my life line.